Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
“You join us live from Paris for this live presidential election debate. We have heard from all the candidates, and now it’s time for the judo.”
Yes, the 2027 French presidential election got a sizeable — as in 2.04 meters, or 6 feet 6 inches in old money — wrinkle this week, with Olympic star Teddy Riner throwing (pun intended) his hat in the ring.
The five-time Olympic gold medal-winning judoka — that’s someone who does judo, not a number puzzle — announced his candidacy by saying: “France doesn’t need a professional politician who recites talking points and spends all day bickering. It needs common sense, firmness, justice and a government that sets things right.”
As anyone who has ever tried to rewire a house or perform their own dentistry knows, many tasks very much do require a specialist. Politics is usually, though not always, one of them, and therefore Riner may be underestimating the challenge ahead. That said, he is a national hero and has already received an endorsement of sorts from President Emmanuel Macron — although that might not be great news for Riner, as Macron is about as popular in France as putting extra butter on a croissant or working 40 hours a week.
Most of the current crop of candidates have years of experience in political debates behind them, whether that’s far-right leader Marine Le Pen, far-left leader Jean-Luc Mélenchon or any of the 430 centrist ex-prime ministers who want to replace Macron. To level the playing field for Riner, surely it’s only fair to hold a judo competition to see who makes it to the second round — my money would be on Le Pen to beat Riner in the runoff with a Hane-goshi, that’s a springing hip throw that uses the right side of the body.
But what if Riner wins? Could he be the answer to the question “who speaks for Europe when it comes to Russia”? Judo is, after all, Russian President Vladimir Putin’s favorite sport — well, second favorite after “bombing Kyiv.”
Judo is also fairly popular among politicians. Staying in France, David Douillet was a two-time Olympic champion who became a member of parliament and even sports minister. His predecessor as minister was karate champion Chantal Jouanno,, and the president while both were in government was Nicolas Sarkozy, who is reportedly a brown belt in judo — although for security reasons, they do make you remove your belt, no matter the color, when you go to prison.
Outside France, Pierre Trudeau, the former prime minister of Canada, and ex-Japanese Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda were serious judokas too.
Back in Europe, and moving to a different martial art, two former members of the European Council — Bulgaria’s Boyko Borissov and Lithuania’s Dalia Grybauskaitė — are black belts in karate. Older readers may remember the three-day 2019 summer EU summit, where heads of state and government discussed nominations for the EU institutions’ top leadership, and Borissov and Grybauskaitė tested the candidates on whether they could do a roundhouse kick.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“Germany’s annual ‘Which Will Wilt First’ competition is closer than ever.”
Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.
Last time, we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.
“Thanks to me it’s now a beautiful dark blue … all over!”
by David Kemp
AI Brief
Your highlights
News
Opinion
Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
“You join us live from Paris for this live presidential election debate. We have heard from all the candidates, and now it’s time for the judo.”
Yes, the 2027 French presidential election got a sizeable — as in 2.04 meters, or 6 feet 6 inches in old money — wrinkle this week, with Olympic star Teddy Riner throwing (pun intended) his hat in the ring.
The five-time Olympic gold medal-winning judoka — that’s someone who does judo, not a number puzzle — announced his candidacy by saying: “France doesn’t need a professional politician who recites talking points and spends all day bickering. It needs common sense, firmness, justice and a government that sets things right.”
As anyone who has ever tried to rewire a house or perform their own dentistry knows, many tasks very much do require a specialist. Politics is usually, though not always, one of them, and therefore Riner may be underestimating the challenge ahead. That said, he is a national hero and has already received an endorsement of sorts from President Emmanuel Macron — although that might not be great news for Riner, as Macron is about as popular in France as putting extra butter on a croissant or working 40 hours a week.
Most of the current crop of candidates have years of experience in political debates behind them, whether that’s far-right leader Marine Le Pen, far-left leader Jean-Luc Mélenchon or any of the 430 centrist ex-prime ministers who want to replace Macron. To level the playing field for Riner, surely it’s only fair to hold a judo competition to see who makes it to the second round — my money would be on Le Pen to beat Riner in the runoff with a Hane-goshi, that’s a springing hip throw that uses the right side of the body.
But what if Riner wins? Could he be the answer to the question “who speaks for Europe when it comes to Russia”? Judo is, after all, Russian President Vladimir Putin’s favorite sport — well, second favorite after “bombing Kyiv.”
Judo is also fairly popular among politicians. Staying in France, David Douillet was a two-time Olympic champion who became a member of parliament and even sports minister. His predecessor as minister was karate champion Chantal Jouanno,, and the president while both were in government was Nicolas Sarkozy, who is reportedly a brown belt in judo — although for security reasons, they do make you remove your belt, no matter the color, when you go to prison.
Outside France, Pierre Trudeau, the former prime minister of Canada, and ex-Japanese Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda were serious judokas too.
Back in Europe, and moving to a different martial art, two former members of the European Council — Bulgaria’s Boyko Borissov and Lithuania’s Dalia Grybauskaitė — are black belts in karate. Older readers may remember the three-day 2019 summer EU summit, where heads of state and government discussed nominations for the EU institutions’ top leadership, and Borissov and Grybauskaitė tested the candidates on whether they could do a roundhouse kick.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“Germany’s annual ‘Which Will Wilt First’ competition is closer than ever.”
Can you do better? Email us at [email protected] or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.
Last time, we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.
“Thanks to me it’s now a beautiful dark blue … all over!”
by David Kemp